What the Hell is Going On? 20 Questions for Robert Mueller

Robert, if you’re listening, please call me. I normally don’t pick up, but if you let it ring once then hang up, 3x, I’ll google your phone number. I’m guessing google will tell me it’s you, so when you call the 4th time I’ll pick up. If google doesn’t have your digits, I’ll probably block you. If I block you Robert Mueller, it will be too late to try texting.

I have 20 very important questions to ask on behalf of my readers (both of them), so if the above comes to pass, please just stop by my house. My dogs will probably jump on you, so don’t wear your best clothes.

Fair warning: My house, has some unidentifiable smells, maybe you could send some of your men over to locate the source.

When my children were younger we’d occasionally play a game called “find the smell.” A couple of times it was a bad potato- have you ever smelled one?

Also, sit on my long suffering furniture at your own risk. You may never be found.

Come to think of it, the smell may be related to a series of unaccounted for guests.

Hmm. Time to pull out the vacuum.

Better yet, let’s meet somewhere for coffee. I drink tea as well, but usually only when I’m playing dress up and watching Pride and Prejudice, the Colin Firth version, (🙄 of course). I could bring my laptop to the coffee shop in order to play the series, while enjoying my English breakfast tea… but I don’t feel comfortable transporting my life size Colin Firth/Mr Darcy cardboard cut out… he’s shy— Mr Darcy, not Colin Firth. Colin Firth may be shy, or perhaps he’s just Britishly (word?) proper… fuck it, I’ll just have coffee.

Hold on… I can’t go out for coffee because I don’t have anything to wear. My clothes went to college, without pre-approval. I’d buy new clothes but, as I implied, my daughter’s are in college (I’m poor). You have kids right? Have you ever “creeped” on their Instagram accounts and seen your clothes worn by their friends? I haven’t, but if I could figure out Instagram…

In any event, my clothes may come back in June, because Ivanka’s $1 billion (her fee) solution to the student debt crisis is to stop issuing student loans. We could wait until June to meet for coffee, but I think Trump will have killed us all by then.

Or we could FaceTime. My arms will get tired holding my phone at a non nostril featuring angle, but I can prop my elbows up on my knees… too hard.

Let’s go back to the top— text me.

Robert, if you’re listening, please text me.

*💡* 💡*

Just respond to the questions here, on this post! My critical thinking skills never fail me.

Let’s get right to it, 20 concisely composed questions, because I know you’re important:

1. Was your investigation cut short by AG Barr?

2. Do you believe AG Barr was able to read your (several hundred page) report, and sufficiently review all the evidence, in the 48 hours it took him to issue his “summary”?

3. Does he remind you of Fred Flintstone?

4. Does AG Barr’s 4 sticky note summary, containing 101 words, (I’m sure I’ve exceeded that by now), capture the true essence of your two year long investigation?

5. What color sticky notes did he use? Were they scented, and if so, what scent? Do they still make scented sticky notes? (4 questions in 1 😬)

6. Trump’s new fixer, AG Barr, has now “walked back” his 101 word cover up, saying you will assist him in creating a redacted version of your report. Will you? Will you really? Because if you do help Barr prepare it — I think the stench of consumed wine emanating from American flesh may dissipate, which could be helpful to the environment, but could, in turn, hurt the California wine industry. Yesterday Barr said: “My March 24 letter was not and did not purport to be an exhaustive recounting of Robert Mueller’s investigation or report.” (Sure, Jan.😉)

7. Did he decide to do this because he sensed he wasn’t going to be able to sweep this one under the rug, (obstruct justice), like he did Iran Contra in 1992?

8. You have known Barr, at least that long, which gives you insight the American people don’t have. Is there any reason we should trust anything he says, because why would he be so stupid as to join Trump’s house of cards after witnessing the beginning of the fall?

9. Barr also now says: “there are no plans to submit the report to the White House for a privilege review.” That’s new. Was he busted covering up for Trump?

10. Will the redactions made be specifically justified to Congress?

11. Prior to the sticky note release Barr said that anything negative, pertaining to Trump, would be redacted, because Trump was not indicted, (as such, why besmirch his good name). Did I dream that? If not, is that legal?

12. Barr has done an about ass, no longer planning to sit on your report forever, nor will he take Devin Nunes’ advice and “burn it.” (Gee, is he mentioned in the report?) Barr has also offered to testify in congress as well. Can you tell us what happened to bring about his change of heart?

13. Trump has attacked you several times during your investigation, then when he thought he got away with treason he praised you, then some facts from your report leaked, and now he’s name calling again. Do you prefer the “I’m rubber, you’re glue” or the “sticks and stones” response, as a rule?

14. Should Kushner and Junior get their affairs in order, in anticipation of a midnight raid?

15. Have you farmed out all their shady business deal crimes to SDNY, EDVA, and NYAG?

16. Are you a fan of the Oxford comma?

17. Why doesn’t congress just subpoena you and or your report?

18. This experience has inflicted millions of Americans with severe chronic anxiety disorder. Is America’s Xanax reserve going to see us through to the end of this Trump documentary?

19. Will you indict Pence and Trump together? I think that is Mike Pence’s most favorite wish… sigh.

20. Do you ever get Chuck Schumer and Adam Schiff mixed up? I think congress should be required to wear “Hello My Name is ____” stickers. Have you ever referred to Colonel Sanders as Colonel Chicken? It’s not okay. (Schiff is my new hero.)

21. Do you think Nancy Pelosi would have eventually been able to pry your report out from under AG Barr’s ass, with some sort of lever?

22. After Ken Starr’s report, the rules changed as to how information can be distributed upon completion of this type of investigation. Why didn’t Barr just ask for a court order to permit him to turnover the report and evidence to congress? Will anyone, other than Barr, see an un-redacted version of the report?

Oh shit, I said 20 questions didn’t I? Ignore any 2, (maybe 3&5).

Thank you for your service, and your time today. I shall await the ping of your response in my comments file. Any follow up questions will be posted at a future date.

Congress To Get Redacted Mueller Report By Mid-April, Attorney General Says