I know everything is not about me, but this is my blog, so it kind of is.

With everything happening to me as of late: hurricanes, fires, pandemics, earthquakes, sharknados, I have but one regret. I’m disappointed in myself because I’ve been writing so sporadically. My excuse is that I struggle with anxiety; lately, it’s off the charts. I hope I don’t piss HIPPA off by revealing that, but it’s true.

*I understand the HIPPA thing. Please don’t comment about that, twas a joke. Fair warning: if you didn’t grasp that attempt at humor perhaps you should move along to another post.

Do you ever feel like your life is a perfect storm? I often feel that way. I know my life isn’t bad, your situation is probably worse. I am just not coping well with my situation. I’m still in the middle of a life event, which I will discuss soon when I’m on the other side. For now, just follow my warped stream of consciousness and try not to judge me.

I live in an old house, I’ve been here for almost two decades. The house was once filled with sounds of bad sax, (not sex, the saxophone,) viola, violin, guitar, a wooden frog with a stick, recorders, an electric keyboard, harmonicas, questionable singing, etc. These sounds were not always pleasant or soothing the way music should be, but I loved every honk and ping. There was also the molto fortissississimo bark of giant dogs, the caprichio elegy of a loudmouth cat, and the vivance oratorio of bickering children. Think geese mating, breaking glass, Jurassic Park, and wind chimes. This house was loud. The sounds were so chaotic that visitors, including my parents, never stayed long, but that was fine with me. The sounds made me happy. It was music to my ears, after all, music is in the ear of the belistener. (yay, new word)

Shhh… listen.

Now it’s so quiet I can literally hear a mouse (I hope it’s a single mouse) scurrying behind the wall of my kitchen. I’d rather endure the chaos and remain oblivious of the rodent’s domicile. Sigh…

As I sit on my well-worn sofa, drinking my delicious cup of Nescafe, surrounded by the sound of near-silence, punctuated by the occasional snort of one of my tiny rescue dogs, (I’ve downsized and they rescued me right back,) I scroll through the news, my anxiety increasing, wondering what the point is of writing about politics when I know most people have surpassed their limit of tolerance.

There are 47 days left to vote. It feels like nearing the end of an ironman race, not that I know what that feels like. I can almost see the finish line, not that I would recognise it. I personally can not believe we’ve survived Voldetrump this long, but we haven’t really, have we? We are an unrecognizable divided nation. I have come to hate my republican neighbors, the ones who have signs on their lawns. It shocks me to see them. At the same time, I must say that I love the democratic ones. When this is all behind us most of us will be horrified by what is uncovered. The Hague comes to mind.

Let me just say, when I lost my uterus in that fishing accident almost fifteen years ago, I wasn’t sorry to see it go. Okay, it wasn’t really an accident and I wasn’t fishing. It was a surgical procedure that I submitted to, after having used it the perfect number of times. If you’re wondering, the human uterus weighs 2.8 oz, so having it removed wasn’t a weight-loss strategy. Hippa laws forbid me from expounding on the lost uterus and said uterus coerced me into signing a non-disclosure agreement. I can say it was a consensual separation. I kept the kids and my uterus took the ovaries.

My juvenile attempts at humor are a coping mechanism and are by no means meant to diminish the gravity of the following news regarding ICE.

A whistleblower has come forward with a horrifying revelation and once again the story has been neglected by the media. Reporters can’t really be blamed because in these dystopian days there is always another story equally shocking, but in this case less macabre. A doctor at the southern border has been dubbed the “uterus collector,” because he has been performing a large number of experimental unnecessary hysterectomies on immigrants.



Again, that is not an attempt at humor. Where is the pro-life sect now? Do they condone forced hysterectomies? This is beyond the bounds of morality and right out of Josef Mengele’s playbook. We should all be ashamed at the atrocities we have ignored. I am.

I bought this clay sun in Guadalajara 25 years ago. It hung by a leather string on my kitchen wall since the day I moved in. Not too long ago I heard a crash in the kitchen. The leather string had deteriorated and crumbled under the weight. I called my daughter who told me about a Japanese tradition of using gold to repair broken pottery. I googled it, and this is the sloppy mess I created. This sun is a metaphor for my life. It’s also how I see the US right now. We are broken. if we try really hard we can be repaired. We may end up a shittier version of what we once were, but it will be so much better than what we are today.

XLVII days.

6 thoughts on “XLVII Days

  1. I couldn’t agree more I, too, was horriified by that disclosure and hope that someone is taking action to remove that doctor’s license and to put him in prison along with the administrators who allowed it to happen. I am also wondering why we have no word of the detained children. I heard some of them were dumped, unaccompanied, on the other side of the border. Do you know anything about this? Our country’s soul has been so wounded that I wonder if it will ever recover.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Some have been adopted out by a Betsy Devos christian adoption agency, others have been dumped on the other side, many are unaccounted for, and there are still cages and “camps” where tgey are housed. A few have been returned to their families. It really is like Nazi Germany.


  2. Hi Lydia, your post broke my heart a litle bit. You feel all of these things so much. I had to look up HIPPA. I too have the mostly noiseless house now and I don’t have so much as a cat galloping around the floors any more. So much to miss about the sound of daily life. Lockdown has seen the weeks fly past with no change but it has taught me to slow down and take my time with things. Wabi Sabi, the Japanese art of fixing things with gold lifts my spirits, I also love and have started to Slow Stitch another Japanese pasttime. I think about things more. The recent loss of 65000 cattle at sea, How is that even a possibility in this world? But it is and it puts pictures in my mind that break me some days. I feel your pain regarding the election and your disappointment in those who don’t see the destruction this presidency has caused. There is silence on the news concerning the caged and missing children, again my mind doesn’t want to go there, it’s too painful to contemplate. But those “Who Don’t Care” will have to face their consciences one day soon I hope. Hang in there Lydia. X

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wabi Sabi, yes! I only wish I had practiced on something else first. It felt good to put it back together regardless. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it.
      I remember the days when I wished for just one day of peace. Moderation would be nice.
      We’ll get through this, Barbara. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Being an outsider of America, it’s heart breaking to watch. I do believe that Obama gave America back the hope it needed after Bush and the whole 9/11. It just feel like Trump has damaged all of that, and for what? So he can “beat” a black man, that he will NEVER…NEVER EVER, EVER…beat…EVER!

    Liked by 1 person

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