The National Enquirer to Trump’s Rescue

In March, 2016, for the first time in its 90 years of publication, the National Enquirer endorsed a presidential candidate—Donald Trump. It then celebrated it’s 90 year anniversary at Trump SoHo in New York. Weird coincidence? Not really.

Donald Trump and National Enquirer CEO David Pecker have been stroking each other for years. “They’re very close,” said a source at the Enquirer. 

Much in the same way Trump has never uttered anything derogatory with regards to Russia, The National Enquirer has never printed an unflattering article about Donald Trump, despite the mountain of material at their disposal. The closest the Enquirer has come to scandalizing Trump was when they printed: “Donald Trump has also been hiding a secret — he has greater support and popularity than even he’s admitted to!” —thats cute.

Trump’s reciprocal adoration of the National Enquirer is also well documented in comments such as: “You can’t knock the National Enquirer” and “Why Didn’t the National Enquirer Get the Pulitzer Prize?” and “David Becker would be a brilliant choice as CEO of Time magazine.” Hmm…
Trump also reportedly fed The National Enquirer many of it’s headline stories during the republican primaries and the general election, ridiculous ones regarding his political opponents:

According to the National Enquirer, via Trump, Hillary Clinton was on her death bed, Jeb Bush was running a Florida drug ring, Ben Carlson left a sponge in someone’s brain, Carly Fiorina was a home wrecker, “Lying Ted” Cruz had ties to a D.C. Madam and his dad killed Kennedy—they all had drug addicted family members, and everyone of them was having extra marital affairs…everyone but Trump. Ahem…

According to the Wall Street Journal, The National Enquirer paid $150,000 to bury a story about Trump’s affair with a former Playboy model. That may have tarnished Trump’s image with its readers…or not.

The Enquirer has become Trump’s primary tool for circulating propaganda, with headlines that read: “Trump’s the One!”, “Trump, the Man Behind the Legend!” Trump was “the man who has energized millions of voters with his no-nonsense and businesslike run for the White House”, and he “quietly donated a huge chunk of his fortune to charity.” (It was so quiet, the charity hasn’t heard about it.)

Editor-in-chief Dylan Howard said in an interview: “Our readers have a great affection and fondness for Donald Trump. They do not like the political establishment. They see Donald Trump as someone who will champion their cause, just like the National Enquirer has championed their cause for many decades.”

In a 2011 well directed farce, Trump announced he would not run for the Republican nomination for president. The announcement was followed by the Enquirer publishing an article headlined: “Millions Implore Donald Trump to Reconsider New Presidential Run.” Of course Trump did reconsider, famously saying: “I am the only one who can make America great again!” —Great job so far. (I’m lying.)

And now, when those around him are dropping like flies, and offering to divulge information for clemency, Donald’s friend at the Enquirer publishes this:

The purpose of this latest cover story is of course to sway public opinion, painting Trump as the injured party. This clarifies what Trump’s defense will be when he is finally charged with collusion and treason—he had no idea—he will play dumb as a defense. They’ll argue that was ignorant of the treasonous acts happening all around him—those acts that won him the presidency.