Unemployed and Dying for a New Job?

Unemployment rates are now at 20% in this made “great again” country of ours. If you look out your window and count the passers-by, (be patient,) you can safely assume that one of every five zombies people is unemployed.

There is no excuse for idleness. If you can’t find work you aren’t looking in the right places. There are possibilities abound. Take off your blinders and direct your focus toward a different crypt of industry.

Certain vocations are veritable Petri dishes lands of opportunity, ready to welcome job seekers who hit the market today. Some are entry-level jobs with the possibility to move up among the ranks quickly, but there are also upper-level positions open for wardens in every line of work.

A quick google search may be used to assist you in the specifics of this mission. My gift to you is this targeted list of fertile dead-zones, where you must apply.

    Nursing Homes across the necropolis are hiring every position: front desk reception, janitorial, cooks, administrative, of course, nurses and nursing aides are in high demand.
    • Hospitals too are hiring every position from greeters to Chiefs of Staff.
    • Meat plants similarly can’t seem to hire fast enough. A Tyson plant, in Waterloo Iowa, with an assembly line workforce of 3000 is looking for at least 1000 aspiring cadavers to fill in short term positions, with potential (for approximately 40) to become permanent positions. Three other Tyson plants are desperate equally eager to review your application. In fact, every meat processing plant in the United States is hiring:
    Send your resume and cover letters to:
      Tyson Foods Inc. in Springdale AR. Don’t stop there, because every meat plant is hiring:
    1. JBS USA Holdings in Greeley CO,
    1. Cargill Meat Solutions Corp. in Wichita KS, Sysco Corporation in Houston TX,
    1. Smithfield Foods, in Smithfield VA,
    1. Hormel Foods Corp. in Austin MN,
    1. National Beef Packing Co. LLC in Kansas City MO,
    1. Perdue Farms Inc. Salisbury MD,
    1. OSI Group LLC in Aurora IL,
    2. ConAgra Foods Inc. in Omaha NE,
    3. Sanderson Farms Inc. in Laurel MS,
    4. American Foods Group LLC in Green Bay WS,
    5. Koch Foods LLC in Pack Ridge, IL,
    6. Oscar Mayer in Chicago, IL…

    I could go on, but there are well over 100 meat processing plants in the U.S. You can do some of the legwork while your legs work.

    • Speaking of meat, every morgue is looking for working stiffs. I personally don’t appreciate a garrulous workplace, so I might look into this for myself.

    There are also openings in the following fields:

    • Grocery stores, especially now that hazard pay has been eliminated.
    • Amazon is looking for inmates, including packers and delivery personnel who can enjoy unlimited, unpaid, sick leave without health insurance benefits. (Thanks Jeff!)
    • Tesla is hiring scabs factory workers for the planned re-opening of their auto assembly plants. (Thanks Elon!)
    • Cruise ships are set to sail again in August. Whether you’re an adventure starved passenger or a crew member who hates his/her family, that three-hour tour could easily end up a much longer voyage than you packed for, with countless unscheduled ports of call. Gilligan’s Island meets, Love Boat, meets Groundhog’s Day, can you say Hell no put me on that manifest?
    • There is a newly created career path, urgently seeking people to fill openings: Temperature recorders must stand outside the doors of hospitals, nursing homes, and every company open for business, taking and recording temperatures of each employee who enters the facility, every day. If anyone with an elevated temperature tries to enter it is your responsibility to put yourself in harm’s way to block them, using any means at your disposal. (Semi-automatic rifle?)
  • I saved the best for last.

    • The Secret Service is looking for a few good men and women to protect a few rancid villains.
    • That is in addition to the constant search for soulless white-collar criminals who are willing to swear fealty to an orange horned beast and act as seconds for the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
    • Finally, it looks as though we might even see tippy-top level openings in the White House, the latest “hotspot.”

    Okay, you may have found the pattern here. These are pandemic related job openings, 1/3 of all the reported COVID19 cases were contracted in Nursing homes, among staff and residents. A Tyson Meat plant saw COVID infection’s double overnight. People are dying to get out of these jobs.

    There are over 80,000 job openings people!

    Beggars can’t be choosers. We need jobs not only for food and shelter, but to provide us with the health insurance we’ll need when we get to the front of the line. If you are a hard worker, or even better, if you are willing to work yourself to death, I’ve given you all the job leads you to need to attain a job that will keep you employed for the rest of your life.



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