Where is the Butt?

Today’s post, perhaps the first of two on entirely different subjects, is a poignant tale of misery… misery that could not have been fathomed by our ancestors but one that is now a pox upon the modern world.

I normally limit myself to political pontification, complaining about evil oranges, however today I’d like to share my thoughts on a recent purchase that I had no choice but to make.

If my iPhone 6S-Plus was a person, it would be the corpse from “Weekend at Bernie’s.” I carried it around pretending it was a working phone but the reality was that unless it was plugged into a wall, like a landline, it was muerto, morte, morto, tôt, νεκρός, dead, dead, dead.

(Loud guttural sob.)

The camera was also a big problem. Focusing, while not a requirement for me, is a necessity for my camera. You can’t deposit checks, document damages after a trash truck pulls down your power line, or share cute dog pictures with a phone that doesn’t focus.

Against my better judgment, I will share my secret source of shame. I’m financially challenged. As such the idea of buying a phone right now makes my gorge rise. Of course, I’d love to have the newest and biggest phone. I’ve often said that I use my phone for everything. I do. I use it to level tables, as a door stopper, and as a trowel to plant bulbs.

Because my phone is also my computer, I like a big screen. My son asked me why I don’t just buy an iPad. My response to him was: WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE A BIG PHONE? WHY!? To answer my question, I would rather pay my mortgage.

The idea of buying a phone before I have the money is even more repulsive because I couldn’t get the phone I wanted. I want the biggest phone known to man. Smaller than an iPad, but bigger than a billfold.

*For you youngsters, a billfold is a wallet that folds in half- hence the name bill-fold. A wallet is a bill holder. What is a bill?

Shortly after a meteor hit the earth, 65 million years ago, money was created as a way to exchange goods and services.

It eliminated the need to always carry pelts and carcasses. What was once called “cash” or “a dollar bill” has gone by way of the dinosaur.

Now we have venmo- sorry venmo is soooo 2017. What are we using now? I can’t keep up.

So, back to my point. I like big phones and I cannot lie, but the iPhone 11 made the prospect of getting the phone I wanted superfluous. Because it is last year’s model it’s cheap— relatively. No cash down, I will be charged $23 a month for two years. Ugh! Free would be cheaper, but even if Apple agreed to paid me $23 a month for two years to use this phone I’d still be complaining.

I gave up my plus-size phone in exchange for a regular. If you want my opinion, what I did is no different than buying shoes that are too small because they’re a good deal. I did that once too. I never wore them, but they were nice. Who could pass up $10 Frye Boots? They were size 5 1/2 but I wear 8 1/2, so I admired them for three years then gave them to Goodwill.

My iPhone 11 arrived within 24 hours. The box was pretty flat and light. Why? No instruction manual, no earbuds, and no charger.

It did come with a cord that has two small ends, but no butt to plug it into an outlet. Where is the butt? This doesn’t fit in my old butt. So how can you sell me a phone without a charging butt or instructions? Steve Jobs would never have done this. It’s like selling a refrigerator without a cord.

Ain’t that some shhh. I had to Google everything: “How do I turn on my iPhone 11?” “How do I take a screenshot with my iPhone 11? And finally, will my iPhone 11 break if I throw it at a wall?

The advertised 15-minute activation began at 4 pm and ended around 10:30 pm. There may have been some operator error involved, but you know what, I didn’t grow up with this crap so I’m doing okay. Just one more wasted day and wasted night.

I don’t like learning new phones.

My phone, I think, is set up. To be honest, the 11 isn’t that much smaller than my 6 plus, but it isn’t bigger either.

I know this isn’t important. People are sick and dying and I’m sure they’d love to have nothing to complain about but my new phone. I’m upset about something else, but this was a good excuse to vent my anger. So, there you have it. I’ve analysed myself and eliminated the need for a co-pay. This phone has paid for itself this month and next.

Let’s make this the best week ever! Chins up… all of them!

🙄