My Luck

I can do anything I set my mind to…right? I’m “handy” because I’m poor—relatively poor, and relatively handy. If I don’t do it myself, I don’t do it…myself. Man bashing is not my goal here, but as a woman, I am often charged more for repairs than a man might be. As a working single parent I am often overwhelmed with the ins and outs of home maintenance, but I try anyway. I could recite my extensive list of accomplishments, but I don’t have that kind of time. I will say that when I complete a project I feel a sense of pride. I refuse to elicit the aid of friends or family of either sex because I am an adult, and if they can do it I can do it. Still not man bashing. 

There are things I won’t attempt. Skunk trapping tops that list. I have a reoccurring problem with skunks and feral cats. They love to frolic and fight under my porch and back deck. My house has been sprayed several times, and it permeates the walls. I feel these beasts are trespassing. I’d like to file a restraining order that would forbid them from coming within a hundred yards of my house because I feel threatened and I’m afraid for my dogs. The police won’t help me. Why do I pay taxes?

I took out my credit card and called a trapping service. “Humane Skunk Murder…something”—great prices to come out and set a trap, followed by terrible prices to re-bait every week, and another ridiculous charge if the skunk takes the bait. 

I had buyers remorse almost immediately. As per my luck, the minute the service charged my credit card all animal activity ceased. One week with no skunk smells, and no skunk in the trap…then two weeks…and another…I began questioning my sanity. Did I invent the skunk problem because I don’t have enough going on in my life? Was I only looking for something to write about? Meanwhile I could hear my credit card begging me for mercy. “Please don’t, no more, I’m full.”

I finally I cried uncle and cancelled the service. I don’t have the kind of money for this mode of attack, and if I did I could certainly find something better to spend it on—like a different house. The service took the empty trap off my property—and don’t let the trap door hit your tail on the way out. The next morning, before sunup I opened the back door on my way to work, and I was overcome with skunk fumes. My luck.

Google says that I need moth balls, wolf urine…eye of newt, and toe of frog, wool of bat, and tongue of dog, adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing,–for a charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth boil and bubble…sorry Mr Shakespeare, I exaggerate. Google says moth balls and wolf urine will scare the skunks off. Home Depot sells this gold liquid at the liquid gold price of $29.99.

This brings up a few questions: Are the people at PETA aware of this pee peddling? How are the specimens collected? How do I know what I’m buying is in fact wolf urine? It is possible that some guy with a label maker whose name happens to be Wolf is chugging beers in Wisconsin as we speak, urinating into bottles and selling them. That wouldn’t really be false advertising. Who is doing quality control on these products in order to protect consumer interests anyway? If no one is, perhaps I can find some way to market and sell my own urine…I can do anything I set my mind to…right?
August 31, 2016, Daily Prompt: Fierce-<a href=””>Fierce</a&gt;  

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