There are three types of people in this world. That said, today I will interview my wallet.
Me: So, wallet, you look good. Have you done something with your zipper?
Wallet: Yeah, I guess you could call it that. I stopped using it. Just like you evade sunlight to keep your uncanny youthful appearance, I avoid handling my zipper; I stay open. The zip is my sun.
Me: First, [wink] thanks for the compliment. Now let me ask, aren’t you worried something will fall out with the zipper open?
Wallet: If something falls out, my loss will be someone else’s ‘pennies from heaven.’
Me: That’s beautiful. You have no paper money?
Wallet: No.
Me: What about credit cards?
Wallet: Credit cards are today’s currency of choice. They are a way to look back on previous expenditures, a simple tool I use to opine on consumer prices. Based on month to month changes, I can say, with confidence, this is a recession. I have receipts, literally, that show a dramatic change since the felon copped a squat in the White House. Food prices are 20% higher, some more, some less. I can also tell you fewer items are being bought. Produce is rarely worth the cost these days. Avocados and oranges are a risky purchase- often inedible. Are they imported from Russia?
Me: We were already embarrassingly frugal. So where do we cut back?
Wallet: The only treats you may purchase are for the nonagenarian. Only she should enjoy sweets. They will be there for everyone else when this Trump slump has passed.
Me: Passed? Are you suggesting death as the means to an end?
Wallet: No, I didn’t intend “passed” to be interpreted morbidly, but in a democratic sense. Look, I still have an “I voted” sticker in my side pocket.
Me: Don’t credit cards put people in debt? Is it possible you can’t close your zipper because those receipts have bulked it up?
Wallet: Well, I can tell you that income is stagnant, so yes, debt is on the horizon. There is no extra money coming in, just more going out. This is a rich man’s world, and they wanted another tax cut. They don’t even need wallets.
Me: Why don’t we eat the rich?
Wallet: You’re vegan. Your train of thought is concerning.
Me: Right. Hey, speaking of Luigi, I just read health insurance premiums are going up 17%, and they blame Trump’s tariffs.
Wallet: It’s like that Led Zeppelin song, ‘Good Times, Bad Times.’ These are the bad times. I heard your “Hey Siri, do consumer prices ever fall?” He said, “Fuck no, Lydia love.” That has only happened twice in the past, and it’s spelled deflation. Sounds good, but it’s not. It’s a signal of economic collapse. The Great Depression saw the most dramatic period of deflation in U.S. history; prices fell an average of 7% each year from 1930 to 1933. That’s 21% for the math challenged. The second time we had a decline in prices was called the ‘Great Recession’ in 2008. Banks, whose dodgy mortgage practices added to the recession, got a bailout. Welfare for the rich is somehow okay.
Me: Who can consume without money?
Wallet: Like you, everyone will stop spending. Can you afford a new car? No. You will also hold off on home repairs or try to fix things yourself. Forget buying clothing unless it’s ‘popping tags’ from Goodwill. That frugality leads to unemployment; our current jobless number is high: 7.4 million—4.3%.
Me: Politicians say things are fine.
Wallet: They lie. Your readers should ask their wallets. They will agree. This is a recession. Trump is Making America Great (Recession) Again.
Me: Okay, well, that was bad. It’s time to head out for Nona’s fast food lunch—remember, she still gets treats.
This concludes our discussion. I hope all of you were able to take something from my wallet… like wisdom. We’ll chat next time with my 2012 Honda Fit.