The longer I live, the more convinced am I that this planet is used by other planets as a lunatic asylum. ~George Bernard Shaw
It’s not just the Fourth of July. It’s every holiday, weekday or weekend, any day that ends with a y, morning, noon, or night.
What I want to know is: why does anyone, from reckless teen to drunk bubba, prioritize using their disposable income to amass stockpiles of pyrotechnics?
Don’t they think about whom they might annoy, or be hurting: survivors of shootings, war veterans, (people with PTSD) those who suffer migraines? Don’t they deserve a shred of respect?
And the dogs—howling, shaking, hiding. Do these people not know what they’re doing, or do they just not care?
I scoured the internet in search of insight—some expert breakdown of the psyche behind it: the kind of person who somehow amasses a backyard arsenal of fireworks and sets them off at random intervals throughout the year. I found nothing. Not a single credible theory.
When the experts fail, it’s time to hear from someone who regularly psychoanalyzes their dogs and is mostly right. That’s me. As a proud graduate of the ‘If Not Me, Then Whom Imaginary Institute’ and armed with a prestigious A+ in High School Psychology 101 (correspondence course), I’ve taken it upon myself to diagnose this deeply upsetting phenomenon.
Surely these people understand what their compulsive need to detonate means:
- They’re selfish, and lack empathy.
- They have yet to come to terms with their insignificance, and lack the understanding that a beer in hand and toys that go boom do not make them taller, metaphorically.
- The smoke left behind will not fill the void in their chests or repair a fragile ego.
- The money would be better spent money on deodorant.
- Shaking neighboring houses will not improve their social standing. (In fact, they may find themselves shunned.)
- They should be responsible for the cost of all dogs’ ‘Thunder-shirts’ (save your money) Xanax and the vet bills required to acquire prescriptions.
- They secretly want to enlist—turn their love for explosives into a career. The military awaits. That would require a modicum of maturity and waking up before noon, but think about all the fuses you could light.
*My scientific method of determination was a long talk with my sleep-deprived dogs, seen pictured. They’re so tired that they only show up in black and white.
A lot from Lydia 
I’m so sorry for your babies! I have FIVE dogs so I understand your frustration. I also have a husband who went to Afghanistan and has PTSD so I get that to. But I’m going to provide an alternative thought. The fourth of July is a celebration to the beginning of our country. Our library, which is something many countries don’t have- as my wonderful husband likes to remind me. Men and women are still fighting to keep the freedoms we take for granted, all so we can spend the day barbequing and probably being life-flight (something my husband currently does now) to the nearest major hospital facility. Yet it’s still a celebration. The thunderous booms people enjoy? They may be pretty but when they’re not full of color it’s a reminder to society… This is what real war sounds like. The fear? That’s how they felt. There are a number of places to go during such events as this for both dogs, adults- and people like me who have seizures. It is incredibly important to be safe and you’re absolutely right… We need more regulations. However, doing away with it? On that I will kindly but strongly disagree.
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