Slow News week … So, Travel Advice

I wrote a long post about this week’s news but fell asleep while editing it, so I thought I’d spare you the snore. You’re welcome. 😇

As someone who worked in the travel industry for over 25 years, I’d like to offer my advice on spring break and your summer vacation plans. Our allies are done with us. The world hates Americans, for good reason. So, I suggest you stay home.

Those of you who suffer from wanderlust will refuse to heed my advice, but I can still help you. But do not leave the U.S. without a plan.

My recommendation is to lie. Say you’re from one of the following locations: Australia, England, Scotland, Ireland, Canada, Jamaica. Avoid claiming South Africa is home. That’s where Elon Musk hails from, and that is another conversation you would rather not have.
This is how you do it. Research the history, politics, and current events in your adopted homeland.

That will work unless you meet someone from there. 🫣
If that happens, you need to have a story ready.
“Erm I moved there from Nova Scotia last year for employment, and I work a lot. I haven’t ventured out much. Oh my, the office is texting me now. It’s ridiculous. Excuse me.” [Google Nova Scotia.] Exchange your dollars for currency from the place you said you’re from. And this is most important, hire a dialect coach. ASAP. Practice, practice, practice. If you do, it might work. Remember to smile or you’ll give yourself away. Try out your vernacular here, in public.

I want to escape too, but my discretionary income these days is non-existent, so I am heeding my advice.

Lots of choices.

I’m saying home because I lack funds. If you are like me, I’d like to share my plans for getting by with less money and saving for a trip, if that’s your jive.

How to get by when prices go up but your income doesn’t:

1. Be your dog’s stylist. Today I gave two dogs unfortunate haircuts, used a grinder for their nails, and then it was bath-time. I would show you an after picture, but I can’t get either of them out from under the furniture. (I did not attempt to express their anal glands or pull out inner ear hair, but they’re still traumatized.)
2. Cut your own hair. Fair is fair, am I right? I’ve cut mine many times. I admit that occasionally, I need to “get it fixed.” There are tutorials on YouTube that make it look easy. I suggest watching several. *Disclaimer—don’t do it. 
3. Stop eating. If you can’t do that, at least avoid dining out. The cost of a prepared meal is ridiculous.
4. Buy stale bread. And stop feeling sorry for yourself, ffs!
5. Drink tap water. Bubbles give you gas and destroy your tooth enamel.
6. Delete all shopping apps from your phone. ‘I wonder if Amazon sells Bloch tap-shoes. I haven’t tapped in a few decades, but if I had some good equipment… does Amazon sell wooded platforms to dance on?’ We are boycotting Amazon anyway.
7. Check YouTube for your house repair needs before calling someone who will do it right. Appliances, minor car maintenance, upgrading your fuse box… looks easy enough. The catch is that every project requires a different a tool that you don’t have, and everything is heavier than it appears in the side window. Still, watch a video before you decide. *Disclaimer—don’t work on anything electrical.
8. Only wash your car when there is salt on the frame. If rust forms on the frame, it’s game over.
9. Take the long way home; save on tolls.
10. Do you really need new shoes? If holes in the soul are the only issue, why do you think God gave us duct tape? (No! We can’t have nice things.)

*Disclaimer: seriously, don’t do any of this.

~~~Just vote for democrats~~~