Yesterday a news story headline caught my eye:
‘Two certified ass clowns’: Matt Gaetz humiliated on Twitter after proclaiming Devin Nunes ‘will become the hunter’
Who knew ‘ass clowns’ had to be certified? Not I. A quick online search turned up an actual certificate, verifying the headline:
I, being of curious mind, found myself probing deep inside the ‘ass clown’ certification process.
First, let me clarify something many people have trouble digesting. A ‘class clown’, a jokester at school, is not the same as an ‘ass clown’ who has anally retained certification.
I’ll begin with a bit of philosophy on the malodorous funk of ass clownery—
Let’s break down the title, with the help from some experts:
“A person counts as an asshole, when and only when, he systematically allows himself to enjoy special advantages in interpersonal relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people.” ~ Aaron James, author of Assholes: A Theory of Donald Trump
Thank you Aaron.
“A goofy performer, often in heavy makeup, bright colored clothes, and big shoes, who performs at circuses, children’s birthday parties, or in Stephen King films is a traditional clown.” ~Anominush
Thank you Anominush.
Not necessarily. Not every asshole is a clown, and not every clown is an asshole.
Being a clown is a job for some people. These clowns are in it for the paycheck, not fully committed to the dark side, the sphinctitude, if you will. They are clowns by profession.
Clowns, like everyone, have bad days. Bitter off-duty clowns can be assholes, but that still doesn’t make them a ‘certified ass clown’.
They aren’t certified.
Must all ‘ass clowns’ be certified?
No, rules don’t apply to some ‘ass clowns’:
Let’s take a closer look at two ‘certified ass clowns’ and try to decipher the difference:
Devin Nunes— the cow who cried memoo, has made himself the butt of jokes on the internet. #YachtCocaineUndergageProstitutes is trending with @DevinNunes. His yacht used by a Napa winery for illicit parties- of which he claims not to be involved. He may not be… because he keeps quite busy suing imaginary cows… on twitter. Nunes Cow, by the way, has twice as many followers.
Matt Gaetz— a man pulled over multiple times for driving his ‘ass clown’ car while intoxicated, threatened former Trump attorney Michael Cohen on twitter prior to his congressional testimony against Trump, and then showed up in court, trying to look menacing, with intent to intimidate the witness. (Cheated his way through law school, and doesn’t know that’s a felony? That’s my guess)
- The word ‘clown’ must used an insult — a rude buffoon can be called a clown, and in kind, an asshole.
- ‘Ass clowns’ talk out of their asses, without exception.
- They are ‘skid marks on society’s collective underwear’ ~A.James
- As per the afore mentioned skid marks, they must carry ass wipes at all times…
- In their ass bag
- Always wearing an ass hat.
How does one get ‘ass clown certified’? I sent a memoo to Devin Moones, butt he has yet to respond as to his process.
Mr Gaetz is another story. Digging into the deep dark trenches, I have uncovered information leading me to believe Matt Gaetz comes from an ‘ass clown’ family, and he may have become a ‘certified ass clown’ as per the ‘Legacy Ass Clown Program.’
Life isn’t fair.
One easy way to find out if you are ass clown material is by taking my easy at home test.
‘Ass clowns’ do not appreciate the humor they are often the butt of, so if you find any humor at all in the statements below, you sir, are no ‘ass clown’:
- What did the egg say to the ‘ass Clown’? “You crack my ass up.”
- Why did the ‘ass Clown’ cross the road? “To get to his rubber ass chicken.”
- Did you hear about the ‘ass clown’ funeral? “All his friends came in one small ass clown car.”
- What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Together we can stop this shit.”
Did you smile? If so, save your money for certification in another GOP position, there are currently several openings to choose from. Well, that cleared up nothing, consistent with all my posts. Honk.
I close today’s post with a blessing: if you must be an ‘ass clown’, be a certified ass clown.