Last year was filled with successes and failures, pain and… respite.
I have attempted to decompress by unplugging and rebooting, but my problems persist because they are of my own making. You can not remove a virus with a reboot.
Floating, detached from life’s challenges, I focus on the minutiae of my to-do list, one that doesn’t exist because I am a day ahead of my miseries. Starting early lets me extend the worry. My mind races: change the furnace and water filters, give dogs heart-worm meds, update insurance information, order prescription refills for the people who rely on me. Keep moving.
My weightier worries, still trivial, include a 40-lb bag of salt that needs to be poured into the water softener. I’m not supposed to lift it. Mice scurry behind my kitchen walls despite the exterminator’s best efforts. My nemesis, invasive ivy on the neighbor’s house spreads, strangling my row of arborvitae trees, climbing into my air conditioning unit, and attempting to take root in the ground against my home. Armed with scissors and a gallon of vinegar, my never-ending skirmish with ivy seems futile.
Home maintenance is not the real problem here. It is a tool I employ to avoid more palpable concerns.
I am the problem.
I admit I struggle with depression. There is no shame in it. The diagnosis of severity is “situational” but I don’t believe that because there will always be situations; life is a series of them. These gloom colored glasses I wear have me waiting for happiness to come through improved circumstances… it doesn’t help. Life will pass me by… it is.
Do you people watch? What you see is by concession. We present the world with a better version of ourselves. It is an illusion. My posture results from many years of dance training, but that doesn’t mean holding it isn’t a struggle. I can school my scowl because I learned early on that you get back what you put out. I’m defensively pleasant, nothing more. No one knows what is behind anyone’s facade.
So here we are in 2024, with a new opportunity for happiness. Each day is what we make it, if we can live outside our heads.
That is the goal for me, what I have resolved for the new year- let problems exist but not affect, convince myself that I am what I allow people to see: normal, happy, maybe nice.
How are you handling the challenge of an improved new year?
I can really relate. I have similar struggles with depression. Personally, I hold no hope for this year. If we all get through it with no major crises I’ll be pleasantly surprised.
I’ve decided to take a step back from the news for now. We’ll see if I last a week. I’m worried about where we’ll be a year from now. Anyway, I’m sorry you struggle too. One day at a time.
I can relate. It’s just sort of doing the best I can and yet home maintenance and paperwork and everything else (much less dressing up or any of that) fall through the cracks. My approach is now having more compassion for myself, and actually asking the universe for the right kind of help to arrive in healthy affordable ways. That and being nice to me and doing the tiniest bit of things, like if I go from one room to another, take a little something that is in the wrong place and put it in the right place: plate on desk gets to kitchen then maybe another time gets washed or otherwise dealt with, but step one happened. Somebody came up with the one-minute rule that says if something would take a minute to do or less, do it, and that adds up to success. Best wishes to you and to all!
Thank you! Good advice!
I took a screwdriver and ripped that darn ivy off the brick on the side of my house. Then ripped it up from the ground. So far, no more growth. I was totally ruthless because it was starting to grow through the screen into the windows. My cats were delighted with the new play toy. No more kitties!
That’s good to hear. My problem is that the neighbor’s house is completely covered and I don’t want to kill what’s on their property. I’ve pulled up and cut it along the property line but of course it gradually comes back. It leaves sticker marks on my white siding. I pour vinegar where the root was.
It’s really a destructive plant.
Oh, gosh Lydia–that is a problem. I had that and wisteria. Both absolutely horrible.