My Home Isolation Project

Today is ‘No Politics Wednesday’ on my imaginary calendar. What should we discuss? How about my self isolation project?

I believe in turning every spare minute into an opportunity for self-improvement. When I drive, I practice my French with an audiobook, when I’m— hmm, that’s all I can think of.

We are at a transitional point in history, and while it is very likely that the world will never be the same, it is also possible some things will end up better— if we survive the apocalypse.

I have been ”self-isolating,” with my ~~annoying~~ adult children, one of whom was scheduled to graduate college next week. Yea, that won’t happen. Her consolation prize is me. We have spent more time together, since March, than at any time in our lives. My children are very lucky to have this time with me because I’m fun, and I’m sure almost anyone would gladly trade places with them. I keep telling them that.

Let me share something I overheard my oldest spawn tell my pseudo-grad. “The best thing about being back home is the magic fairies who clean up after us when we’re sleeping” (until noon.) The dishes in this magic house wash themselves; laundry is picked up off the floor, washed, and folded. It’s crazy how it works, or I am crazy because I do it.

It’s like the scene in Snow White when the birds and bunnies and mice happily dance with the dark-haired white girl as she cleans up after seven slobs. The difference is that there are three here, and that my house is full of ants who are not helping me clean up.

I’m no twenty-year-old, but while my offspring are busy on their electronic devices planning their futures, I am busy (and important) too.

I may have shared my self-isolating project with you already, but if not you’re in for a treat. If I did mention it before, you’ll be excited to see my progress.

I have been growing out my eyebrows. I know I often take on big projects that I can’t finish, and I’ve been worried about this one. It is the perfect stay at home project for someone like me who can’t do any heavy lifting. Tweezers are not heavy, that’s not what I meant. I mean I can’t demolish a bathroom and renovate it, I can’t repair a six-foot lattice wall in the garden, I can’t try to fix the transmission on my daughter’s dead car; we call it driveway art. I can, however, grow out my eyebrows with very little strain.

Let me preface this by saying that grooming was very important to me. I would never have left the house without makeup on, pre-destruction of civilization. Now, with masks and glasses hiding my face I’ve given it up. Grooming is so 2019. Since I’ve stopped, I have more free time for my project. I am happy to report that after two months my eyebrows have filled in nicely. I’m somewhere between… Groucho Marx… and Eddie Munster. Alas, I am a typical American; I always want more than I have.

Last night I scoured the internet in search of ideas regarding my project and found a 30-minute infomercial by a “plastic surgeon to the stars” in Beverly Hills, California. After about two minutes I felt the urge to throw my phone. I turned off the video instead. I can’t buy a new phone every time it makes me mad.

Do not fret, I was able to pick up a tip during the short time I watched. To grow eyebrows “one thought was to use organic green tea…” that’s all I heard. I immediately put that information to use. The artificial sweetener irritated my eyes.